home-seeking and dreaming

I can’t believe I put an offer down on a house.

The cute little house with the yellow front door.

I’ve never wanted anything more, but I’ve also never felt so “what will be will be.” It sounds so cheesy, but I feel so strongly that I am being led from decision to decision. Whether it’s “the universe” or Pete or my own inner voice, ever since Pete died, it feels like I’m being carried along some kind of path. Moving to Vermont, choosing Axl’s school, selling the house, enrolling in massage school, putting an offer in on this house… if I don’t get this house, I believe fully that it’s because it’s not the house for us. So there’s no need for me to feel anxious or worried. I’ve given it my absolute best, I’ve made a strong offer, and now it’s out of my hands.

It feels good to dream, though. I can’t stop thinking about the river access and the berry bushes and the garden space. The little patio and covered front porch. The sweet neighborhood and shaded, leafy street. I’m thinking about if I let the boys have the master suite with the bathtub so they could have extra room for all their toys. The tiny, extra room can be our studio/workshop space once the baby is old enough to share a room with Axl. The lime tree would love the south-facing patio that gets all-day sun. The boys could grow up playing in that yard and making friends with the neighbors. If we were to get this house, it would be the start of a brand new chapter. A chance to give my boys the childhood they deserve, despite the tragedy we’ve been through.

And even if we don’t get it, I am so proud of the work I’ve done this week. I went from having no clue how to begin this process, to shopping around for mortgages, finding a lender I like and trust, hiring a realtor, signing all the paperwork and getting lots of opinions about how to strengthen my offer. I worked so, so hard. And in less than a week I’ve discovered I’m a very strong candidate for buying a house. I’ve stressed about this for years, and always said to Pete “If you die, I’m fucked, because my credit sucks and all our stuff is in your name.” And look what happened. But I sold the house, paid off our debts, and am doing my best to reinvest what is left, starting with a new home. I never, ever would have believed you if you told me I’d be here this time last year.

Last year I was 7 months pregnant and we were finishing up Ford’s nursery. Now I’m putting offers in on a house all on my own and my husband is dead. Life is wild, wild, wild.