the chaos of everyday life

Axl begged all night and the moment he opened his eyes to please skip summer camp. After a lengthy back and forth about summer camp vs. real school and why he didn’t want to go and how there were still 3 days left in the week after this he’d be expected to go, I let him stay home. Having both kids home while trying to squeeze in 4 hours of work, while also needing to make phone calls to the mortgage lender I’m trying to work with and the woman running the massage school I start attending at the end of the month, is… difficult. 

But not impossible. I hate when people say working from home with kids is impossible. It’s not. The stars have to align for it to be even remotely successful, and I don’t necessarily recommend it, and more sacrifices have to be made than you can even imagine… but it’s not impossible. So I know I’ll get through this day like I always do.

I do often wonder though how many other people are living lives like mine. I know they’re out there, I just wonder if I’ll ever get to find or meet them. I’d like to be able to commiserate with other women who are answering emails with one hand as they’re tossing grain-free baby puffs at their kids with another. Someone else who has to get up 3 times while answering one single email because her other kid needs help finding a red marker, then help getting the Darth Maul coloring page out of the book without ripping it, then to ooh and ahh over said picture when he’s done. It takes me two or three times as long to finish each task when both kids are home. And I don’t clock that as work time, so it also makes keeping track of my work hours difficult because my whole job is done in 8-20 minute bursts, until I make it to 20 hours for the week.

Sometimes the baby naps for 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the afternoon. But lots of times, his naps are only 45 minutes. And sometimes, like today, he just doesn’t want to nap at all. I try; I put him in his pack and play and zip up his blackout tent. I run the noise machine and put on Jewel’s Lullaby album and sneak to the other side of the room to my “office” so I can work. But today, most likely because he knows his brother is home and, again, we live in one room so it’s hard to hide. Instead of falling asleep, he cries and cries until I pick him up. So I answer 2-3 emails to the symphony of his shrieking, then get him up and try setting him in his playpen or high chair, giving him a snack or a bottle, changing his diaper or handing him toys until he is content. I set him down somewhere safe and answer a few more emails. After awhile, we try again for a nap and repeat the cycle. And today, in between all that, my 5 year old still needs to be cared for and entertained. Again, hard, but not impossible.

The dishes need to be done and I need to go to the grocery store. I keep contemplating going today, right now, because why not? But going with both kids means strapping Ford to my back in his carrier (not my favorite thing to do in a parking lot while strangers watch me fumble him onto my back, but I do it all the time anyway), and pushing Axl in the cart while I try and stack the groceries around him and juggle my pile of reusable bags. Both kids protest most of the time and I try to zoom down the aisles as fast as I can, inevitably deciding to scrap my list altogether because I can’t stand the idea of having one more thing to keep track of. I pay and toss my food in the bags quickly and haphazardly, trying to get out of there as fast as possible, trying to corral my kids out of the way and back to our car where I have to unstrap and somehow swing the baby off my back without dropping him, strap both kids into their seats and unload the groceries and return the cart. Then there’s the unloading and the trips up the stairs and the hours of cleaning out the fridge and prepping the stuff I brought home and putting it all away. I know, I’m lamenting about something as basic and universal as grocery shopping, but it’s just a lot and I’m not sure I’m up for that today with a baby who is refusing to nap and a 5 year old who is already bored.

I did shower last night after the baby was asleep. I bribed Axl with his iPad in bed so I could get it done. I should have stayed up after that and finished catching up on my emails from the day, I should’ve done one more load of dishes, I should have tried to get a head start on today, but I didn’t.

And now I have a baby that won’t nap, and two kids stuck in the same room with me as I try to be productive, as the messes pile up and the household things don’t get done, and the chaos grows. But I don’t wait for things to be easy to be happy anymore. This day will be long and frustrating and probably under-productive. But I’m still alive. My kids are still healthy and here with me and I will have gotten to spend extra time with them. My emails will get answered. I got to have hot coffee, make jokes with Axl, and make the baby laugh. We have a TV and figured out how to watch PBS Kids like we always have. We have food and shelter. It’s about to rain. Each moment matters to me, good or bad. Even the stressful days are important to me. There are lessons and opportunities in them too, sometimes even moreso.