a terrible, no-good week

I’m sick. Double ear infection. I didn’t get the house. It’s day 4 of being stuck in this “house” (room, literally) with both my kids, scraping together every ounce of energy I possibly could just to take care of them. Today was not a good day. 

But then… was it really that awful? I was awake all night with the ear pain, but was able to call the dr the moment they opened and get an early morning appointment, Darri coordinated for Ana to be able to come and watch the boys so I could go, grammy and papa stopped by while I was gone to try and take Axl for the afternoon (he wouldn’t go; he has a tough time separating from me again when we’ve just been apart, particularly when I was just at the doctor where the poor kid assumes everyone goes to die), and as soon as my mom finished work tonight, she came over to help me clean. Darri came to get Axl and took him to spend the night and will bring him to school in the morning. My mom was here for four hours cleaning my apartment, shooing me to sit down and stop exerting energy. She’s a good mom. 

It’s hard to feel too sad about these shitty events when I have this kind of support showing up for me. I don’t take it for granted. I just can’t believe Pete and I did life alone for so long. Especially once we had kids. It’s making me realize how lonely I used to be and I don’t even think I realized it. I miss Pete so much it hurts every single day, but it’s not lost on me what a blessing it is to have the family I do. I might never have realized that without what happened to us. 

And the house… several people offered more money. So they chose one of them. The sellers texted me a very heartfelt apology. I know in my bones they wanted the boys and me to end up there. But this was a business decision. They are good people and they deserve to make as much money as possible off their home and I couldn’t compete. I had a really strong offer and I was proud of it and I gave it my absolute best shot. I still feel like it’s supposed to be ours. I’ve heard so many times today from people that everything happens for a reason, but it really felt meant to be that we were going to end up there. I’m not usually wrong about those kinds of things. But I also keep saying that I feel like I’m being led… somewhere… and if I’m being led away from this house, I have to believe that’s what’s best. But it absolutely stings right now. I let myself dream big this last week, about our first fall and winter without Pete, about a Christmas in our first home, about how much it would lessen the ache of having to face those things without him if I had something good to grip to like having moved into our first home together. We would’ve played in the river and the lime tree would have thrived and the boys would’ve had a really good upbringing there. I am grieving another loss through this. But I will be okay. I have grieved much worse. 

Going to the doctor was triggering. The last time I had to come to the doctor because I was sick, I was 9 months pregnant. Pete came downstairs in the morning for work and found me in tears, having been up all night with a debilitating sore throat and congestion. I cried and he comforted me, as always. He said he would call out of work for the morning to take me to the doctor. And he did. Like always. Like he did my whole pregnancy. He stayed with Axl in the car and dropped me off at my appointment, as had been our routine for the last 5 years. Today was the first time I did it all alone. I drove myself to the pharmacy for my prescription. I haven’t picked up my own prescription in probably 5 years. Not since I became a mom. As soon as I became a mother, I became precious, invaluable cargo to Pete, just like his two sons. Doing life without him, without my armor, is never not difficult. Vulnerable. Scary. 

At the pharmacy, I wander the aisles and pause on the cough drops. My eyes land on the brand and flavor he always had in his work bag. Those fuckers were always everywhere, wrappers in every pocket, melted remnants of them in our car, trails of them all over. I stared at them for far too long, wondering if I was about to have a breakdown in the middle of this swanky pharmacy. But I didn’t. I had antibiotics to pick up. I had to get back to my kids. 

And when I got the call about the house, I really broke down. That’s when I missed him most of all. He should be here to be hugging me and sharing in my disappointment. He should be here to help me get through this bout of sickness, to get Axl lunch and wash Ford’s bottles and put the boys to bed. And he’s not. And that fucking sucks, today especially. 

But I am learning, a lot earlier than most people, I think, that this is life. Victories and losses. A coin toss. Over and over and over again. You can’t always win, and you can’t always lose. Today was full of reminders of loss and the endless void that Pete left. But it was also full of people coming through for me, of reminders of how good we have it here. I have to hang onto that. Statistically, a win has to be right around the corner.