a magical day

I got up with the boys, got us ready for the day. I stayed up until 1am this morning making sure we were as prepared as we could be to go on our trip. I’ve gotta say, I’ve gotten quite good at packing us up. It doesn’t even stress me out anymore. The work it takes me for us to travel just… is.

I’m proud of myself for how efficient I’ve gotten at this whole thing. I pack the cooler, I make the formula, I stock the diaper bag. I pack the car, I get the kids out the door. I took them both from picking Axl up at school, to the bank (for the first time in maybe a decade, and the first time with kids) to deposit the money I made from selling our house, we went to the grocery store (first time with both of them), and then to McDonalds to get Axl a Happy Meal. I used to break out in a cold sweat at the thought of driving myself through a drive-thru, and my driving anxiety is quite nearly gone. The medication helps with that I’m sure. 

We hopped in the car this morning like it was nothing. I was on the road by 9am. The gas tank was full, the kids were fed. I know this is everyday life for *so* many parents, it’s not that I think I’m special, it’s just that 6 months ago I had a husband and my kids had a dad and parenting and running a household was something we put equal effort into. And overnight it all fell to me. I never in a million years would have believed anyone if they told me that 6 months after Pete died I would be kicking so much ass at moving forward for my kids.

We drove here without issue. Axl didn’t protest when I put on my own music instead of his. He asked what each song was called and why. He sat cross-legged in his car seat, looking out the windows. He used to be glued to his iPad on trips, and now he never even asks for it. I was the same way as a kid; my thoughts kept me such good company that I needed no entertainment on a road trip. I could just stare out the window lost in thought. I think maybe it’s like that for him too. Ford slept the whole way.

It’s great seeing Axl play with his cousins. There are rarely any issues and they all do such a great job watching out for him. They don’t seem to have difficulty understanding him either. He’s the youngest and yet he tends to lead the pack. It’s like that at school too I think. And Ford is such a blast these days that it’s nice seeing everyone finally get to see his full personality get to soak him in.

Everyone went out to lunch, including Axl, and I stayed at home in this gorgeous house while Ford napped. I sat in the giant bathtub (dry and clothed), sipping canned wine and listening to the Jewel Lullaby album Ford seems to love to listen to when he goes to sleep. Axl actually chose something off the menu (meatballs) and then ate 2 out of 4 of them! That’s a big deal for him.

We all went to the indoor pool down at the community center and we had the place to ourselves. For the first hour, Axl refused to go in the water or even take off his socks and Crocs. I put Ford in his Aquaroo and let him splash around and he loved it. I passed him over to Uncle Scott and was able to coax Axl into the water. He held tight to me, but he got braver and braver until finally he was comfortable playing catch on the steps in the shallow end and he had a blast. 

We came back home, dried off and got changed, and went down to a small festival happening at the bottom of the mountain. There was live music and some lawn games and food trucks. We had some beverages and the kids played and Ford happily hung out in his stroller until bedtime. Axl even ate a hot dog!

And then back at home again, after dinner, all 5 of the kids came running out to the deck where all the adults were sitting. “He lost his tooth! He lost his tooth!” And there Axl was, missing his bottom right front tooth, beaming with pride. He pulled it out himself! What a little bad ass!

I got to have kid-free time after Ford went to bed and Axl played with his cousins for hours. We drank and laughed and told stories about our kids.

I got to shower, Axl went to sleep right away after such a long and fun day, and I caught the Tooth Fairy leaving him a note ;) Now the whole house is asleep and I’m up writing, which is my favorite way to wrap up any evening.

Tomorrow is Axl’s 5th birthday party. His first without Pete. But my mom and I have worked hard to make sure it’s special for him. And how awesome that both sides of the family get to be together for this. We haven’t been together since we were mourning Pete in the cold, bleak winter, so it will feel good to be together after we’ve healed and thawed a little bit and can enjoy the day. The Deacon-Lesser-Spaights will explore Manchester tomorrow, where I grew up most of my life. Generations of my family are from this area and having them here feels special, even if it sucks doing it without Pete.

I looked around several times today and thought about how thankful I am for this life. I never thought I would ever feel that I loved my life again after what happened to us, and I am absolutely shocked to be feeling it just 6 months later. I don’t expect to feel it forever; I know now more than ever that life is just a rollercoaster of various peaks and valleys, celebrations and heartaches. You can’t wait for the clouds to clear to be happy. I’m so grateful to be alive and to have my kids and to have these amazing support networks around us. Choosing to let people in during this time has been the greatest gift I’ve ever given myself.