axl's 5th birthday party

Another special day for all of us. 

Axl spent the day glued to his cousins; I’m basically seeing him tonight for the first time as he just fell asleep next to me. He had so much fun today. The look on his face when he saw Dean arrive to his party… priceless. Looking around and seeing all the people I love together, mingling in a way we didn’t even really get to do at our wedding, it felt like a true gift. The people I have cheering us on and helping me raise my sons are all so special and supportive of us. We are so, so lucky. 

I sat at the kitchen island tonight with my two sisters in law drinking wine. I’ve dreamed of that kind of thing my whole life. Brooke said I am a different person than she ever knew with Pete and she and Morgan both told me how proud they are of me. The fact that other people can see my growth does make me feel good. I’m in a constant haze of disbelief in how different my life is from what it was 6 months ago. 

I feel guilty admitting it, but I feel so happy and free. That makes me sound like I was miserable in my old life, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. Since I was 8 years old, my life has been curveballs and life lessons about how what happens to me is out of my control, so the best I could ever do was make the most of it. I try to embrace change and find renewal in it. It doesn’t lessen the heartbreak of losing something you love, but hope just gives you a softer place to land. 

I mean it when I say I’m good. I’m happy. I am thankful for every moment, good or bad, and just living my life the way my soul has been leading me all along. I don’t know where it’s headed, but I have felt very distinct pulls to every decision I’ve had to make since Pete died. Something is leading me somewhere. 

I’m too tired to write more. It’s already Sunday and we have to be up early to pack to go home. But we had a really wonderful day surrounded by truly everyone we love.