packing up our life
It is literally always 11:11 when I find myself writing.
I didn’t write yesterday. My mom and Darri and I (somehow) loaded the lime tree and all my plants. And then mom, darri, and howie hauled it up to Darri’s patio somehow. I am so, so happy it is where it is. She also has the cacti, the pitcher plant, and the aloe. My mom has our other two potted plants. I love that all of us are trying our damndest to treat nature like he would’ve. None of us have green thumbs but we’re dying to make him proud.
Both boys are hesitant to let me out of their sight after existing in the same space for so long. Ford needs to be strapped to my back and Axl needs me to accompany him to each floor. It’s tiring but surprisingly it’s not bothering me. But because of the attention it takes to parent 2 young children, I couldn’t really get much done until they were in bed at night. So I stayed up until 2am packing up the downstairs bathroom, which was also half our kitchen storage.
I also scheduled a junk pickup, got groceries delivered, and managed to take a shower.
Today we had an early start and I’ve been busy again. I’m proud of myself for how hard I’m working. I feel so… capable in a way I never have in my whole life.
I got cupcakes delivered for Axl today as an early birthday surprise. And l then I decided to get him a Crumbl delivery and we got the most delicious cookies. Overnight, I have a company coming to put an elaborate happy birthday sign out on the lawn for him. Tonight Amber and Lucas are here spending the night. The boys are getting to run wild. I think he’s going to have a special birthday.
You only turn 5 once, and you only have the first birthday without your dad once. If it’s going to be memorable regardless, I’m going to make sure those memories are good ones.
Today I did the pantry and started on the coat closet. I wrapped each of our magnetic spice jars in paper towels. I unscrewed the magnet backing from the pantry door. I meticulously lined up the foods we need access to this week. I cleaned and I boxed and I organized trash. I played outside with Axl. I carried Ford on my back. I’m working my ass off, but I’m also in heaven. Being here feels like visiting heaven. It feels like a gift, like a second chance, like the best kind of closure on this chapter. I’m trying to make every moment packed with intention so I can soak it all in.
I barely recognize the woman who lived here 6 months ago. And I’m so sad Pete isn’t here to see who I’ve become. Even though I know in my heart I would’ve never met this side of myself without having to go through the pain of losing him.
I’m going to try and take it easy and relax a little more tomorrow if I can. Having an extra set of hands should mean I can slow down a bit and make sure I drink enough water and eat better. Maybe I can take my foot off the survival pedal just a bit and take a break.
The last time I was in this house, I was postpartum with Ford. Pete was here taking care of me round the clock. Keeping my water bottle full and my snacks stocked up. Even made sure I had drinks and snacks in my mini fridge for overnight feedings. I could see in his eyes and feel in his embrace that he was more fiercely in love with me than ever. And now I’m doing my best to care for myself like he would’ve.