what's the alternative?

People keep telling me how strong I am, but I’m not sure what the alternative is. 

The only thing that would make my kids’ stories sadder than having to lose their daddy and uproot their lives at 4 and a half years old and 11 weeks old would be if their mom went off the deep end too. The way I see it, I have an obligation to do my best to rectify this for them. I can’t heal the wounds but I can make a salve. And they need a strong mother to make that happen. So I do that for them. Even when I’m acting. Even when I’m faking it. 

And I do fake it sometimes. Most people around me have seen me breakdown once or twice, if at all, it’s not born of shame for feeling emotions about my husband dying, it’s that my gratitude for the life I had to get here is usually strong enough to carry me through the day. That being said, I’m a human and I’m grieving. There are a lot of days I just… can’t. But even on those days, Axl needs to get ready for preschool. Ford needs a bottle and a diaper change. I need to put hours in at my job so I can pay my bills. There are dishes to do and lunches to make and groceries to buy. So sometimes, I have to fake it. But a lot of the time, I am simply happy to be alive and thankful for my kids’ health and grateful for where we’ve landed after this tornado threw us. 

Saying we’re doing well implies a level of healing that hasn’t happened yet. We’re doing our best, but it’s only been 4 months. We’re still planting our roots, healing our wounds, tending to this void Pete left. We’re doing “well” in that we’re in a safe home, surrounded by support, Axl’s in school and I’m back at my job remotely. Ford is thriving and growing, crawling and eating up a storm of real food, friendly and so happy. Axl has friends at school and started soccer and is loving having grandparents and aunts and cousins around all the time. And I’m doing my best to get up each day believing that there is beauty even in the worst kinds of pain. Even when it feels impossible, even when things seem hopeless, there is so much good around me. Sometimes I just think “what would pete do?” and I have all the answers I need.