thanksgiving

Today I’m not thankful for anything. 

I’m pissed. I miss my husband. I’m sad that I finally got to have a big family thanksgiving and I couldn’t even enjoy it. I’ve been on edge and cranky. Axl threw up twice yesterday afternoon. The baby was up half the night with a fever. Neither kid wanted to eat. Ford was miserable. We basically ate and ran. 

I’m normally all about enjoying the small stuff. I’m thankful for even the worst days. But today I just can’t find it. I’m depleted. 

Every Thanksgiving was just the 3 of us. And last year we added Ford, our final fourth. I remember last year so vividly. It was cozy and we stayed in our pajamas and Pete happily did all the cooking while I nursed the baby and played with Axl. And today I needed my mom’s help several times just to get the kids ready and wrangled, to hold the baby while I ate… it just made me feel so depressed to once again be forced to face what a struggle it is to have one set of hands and 2 kids. Yet I again I need so many favors from others just to make it through the day.

There was no Friendsgiving invite this year. No mother and father in law to FaceTime. No husband to make pie for. Bah fucking humbug is the only emotion I’m feeling. The thought of launching into Christmas mode starting tomorrow makes me want to scream and cry. Pete should be going to chop down our tree. We should be decorating it together. We have traditions and memories and routines and those were special and shared. Now I’m alone to do these things for my kids. I want so badly for them to have good holidays this year and at the same time the idea of celebrating at all is exhausting. I wish I could skip all of it. But Axl barely remembers last year’s holidays. This is the first year that will be etched into his memory, I have to make it special. But I can barely make it tolerable for me. I was so uncomfortable today. I didn’t want to leave the house, I didn’t want to shower or get dressed or go socialize. I did it anyway, which should make me feel proud and accomplished. But I feel shitty. Sad. Wishing I could drink my troubles away and just get away from everyone and everything. 

I thought today would be fine and it was everything but.