random thoughts

I wish you were here to fill the water bottles. 

Such a small thing, but you always made sure our water bottles were clean and full, on multiple levels of the house. On weekends we don’t drink enough water now, because I’m out of our weekday routine that involves prepping and cleaning and filling them each day for school. 

I still hate grocery shopping. Not the actual act of it- I’ve grown used to it as a chore. But it’s never not gut-wrenching. Everything about the process was yours and now everything about it is a slap in the face that you’re gone forever. I find myself standing like you in the cereal aisle; I notice I’m wearing your fleece. I’m always buying the same things you already did, alongside things you wouldn’t have eaten even with a gun to your head. The whole thing just makes me miss you so viscerally, every single time.

I imagine I’ll also get this feeling when I learn to use the snowblower and figure out the grill. Taking over things that we’re so very much “yours” feels wrong and terrible. I gain more independence every day, and that has been great and makes me feel so proud… but it also makes me so damn sad.