second-time parent, first-time widow

Each time I’m reminded of something from Axl’s life pre-Losing-Pete, it guts me. We were a tight unit of 3, so many inside jokes, so many intricacies that we all knew. Axl didn’t talk until he was about three and a half, and Pete and I went through those years of uncertainty and navigating how to understand him together. The 3 of us spoke our own language. And now, Petes gone, Axl was too young to remember it, and I’m left alone with all the memories of our first 4 years of parenthood. All the firsts, all the struggles, all the funny, exciting moments… I know it doesn’t change that they happened, but I’m having a tough time coming to terms with the fact I don’t have someone to share that with anymore. Those years were transformative for both of us and there was so much growth and change. There still is. And I wish I could share it all with Pete. 

Raising a baby alone when just 4 years ago I was raising Axl with Pete has been difficult for me. I mean, logistically, physically, it is just more difficult raising 2 kids with 1 set of hands. But emotionally… it’s been one of the toughest parts of this journey. Every hand me down onesie, every stowed away baby cup, every song on Sesame Street- I feel a tightness in my chest and my eyes start tearing up. All the things I looked forward to doing again with a new baby are actually these stark reminders of what I lost, of how much has changed.

It’s a part of my wound that is still just open and weeping.