random thoughts

All the daycare kids say “dada” all day. And we say, “dada is at work!” but I can’t help but wonder what they’ll say to Fordy when he starts chiming in asking for his Dada.

Axl said he has dreams about you all the time. He said you help him in his dreams. 

It’s so isolating having this wealth of memories that go back over a decade, memories that were just between the two of us. We were entwined so tightly and needed no one else, and now I have all these stories, all these experiences, with no one to reminisce with. Going through Fordy’s first year, every little thing reminds me of Axl’s babyhood. Something that the 3 of us experienced together as a unit, with very little outside influence. I was home with Axl every single day of his life until he was 4, and Pete and I made every last parenting decision together. I’m walking down a path that should feel very familiar to me, but instead motherhood is big and scary all over again. I wasn’t doing it alone last time.

I try to fall asleep thinking about you. I try and focus on all the good stuff. But the bad and scary stuff always creeps in. Suddenly I’m replaying the day you died and your funeral and all the worst parts and I can’t get to the good stuff anymore. I just want to think about the time we had without it being overtaken by the haunting images I have and the heavy sadness of everything that was lost along with you. 

Last night in my dream you were gone, but still here. As if we just went our separate ways overnight. And in my dream I was thinking, this is so silly, we’re apart but I miss him so deeply and surely he misses me- maybe we could just start talking on the phone each night? Why does he really have to be gone forever? One day he’ll have a new wife. And the thought devastated me. But so did waking up to remember that he really is gone, somewhere I truly can’t ever just call him up again. I’m not sure which scenario is worse.