journal entry

It’s so hard to explain how much Pete is a part of everything I do. It’s like he’s slowly morphing from a person to a concept. A treasure. I’m sort of starting to get the whole “carrying him in my heart” sort of thing. Sometimes it’s scary; as he becomes less physically present and transitions into being a memory, it feels like he’s slipping through my fingers. He was my whole entire world since I was 21 years old when I laid eyes on him and just needed him. Now I’m 33 and I lived a whole life with him and it’s over. And yet, I am thinking of him literally every moment.

We went to the lake yesterday with my grandparents. Axl’s first time fishing and kayaking. Ford’s first time in the water. It was such a dichotomy, as always, equal parts aching for you to be there and also so grateful to be making these memories with other people who are so special to us. It was a good day. I’m shocked how easy it is for me now to pack up my boys and go places. I know exactly what each of us will need, I keep the car loaded up with various summer essentials. I am doing my best to make this summer special for all of us. We have to make the best of it.

I just realized this is the first summer I can remember that I wasn’t drowning in depression. I’ve always felt suffocated by the bright, happy weather. Pressure to be outside enjoying every single moment of this brief period of sunshine and warmth, angsty that I didn’t have the kind of land and yard I felt I needed to enjoy this time of year. For over a decade, I’ve spent summer so sad that I couldn’t just drive myself over to a body of water and dunk myself in on a hot day. I wanted to be able to sit in the grass, surrounded by meadows and fields and woods like I had growing up. And now I have all that. I refuse to let a gift like that go to waste.

Axl brought a bean plant home from school a couple of months ago. We planted it into a blue solo cup and watered it. Axl would stick his finger in the soil to see if it needed water. My mom helped him plant it in one of the flower beds, and last week my mom had said it wasn’t doing well. I silently mourned it and forgot all about it. Well today I decided to peek into the spot where they planted it and it had SEVERAL green beans growing off of it! Pete was so, so into his garden and green beans were something we planted every single year because it was one of our favorites. Axl and I would eat handfuls of them fresh and raw off the vine, and Pete would roast pans of them tossed in his homegrown garlic with nearly ever summer meal. And Axl had grown some on his very own. He was in awe when I showed him after summer camp, and he was absolutely thrilled to get to eat one. I felt Pete strongly in that moment.

And I feel him strongly now, looking up at this expanse of stars. I haven’t been able to see stars like this since I last lived here at 19. I would give so much to be able to gaze up at them with Pete, but staring at them sort of feels like I’m looking at him. I feel so close to him when I am outside in nature. And as the boys continuously show more and more enjoyment being out in the Vermont air, Pete’s presence just gets stronger. We are realizing so many of his dreams and I wonder if he can see that. I like to imagine that wherever he is, it makes him so happy to see Axl finally get to cast a fishing pole, Ford crawling around in the dirt. Meeting different animals, forming bonds with other family members, getting their hands dirty. They are entering this idyllic Vermont childhood and I’m feeling more confident that I can continue providing that for them on my own.

It gets hard to breathe sometimes thinking about how many things I will spend the rest of my life navigating on my own, but the more I practice it the more I realize how much help is out there. I don’t need a husband or a handout to survive. I’m going to keep working hard and keep making more goals for myself and the boys and learning how to stand on my own two feet for them. We’re doing a great job, all things considered. I’ve got movers lined up, I’m making plans for next week, I’m moving forward with some big things… life is hard, but I’m learning I can’t wait for it to get easy to enjoy it.