i don't feel like writing every day

I don’t feel like writing every day. 

But I think of it like sewing a quilt. I try and tell myself if I write something each day, most days, even just a little, eventually I’ll have a gorgeous tapestry. 

I took the boys to Mimi and papas house after Axl was done with school. He rode the ATV with papa and tried the tire swing for the first time. I love seeing him being introduced to so many things that were part of my childhood, but it also feels so strange that he’s nearly 5 and all these traditions and people are completely new to him. 

And ford is suddenly just this little beam of sunshine. After six grueling, long months, it’s like he finally has some control over his own body and he seems just elated to be able to hold things and eat food and sit in a high chair and do big kid shit. I truly have been enjoying him so so much lately which is just such a breath of fresh air after the hell of the last 6 months. 

I still can’t believe I’m driving. I can’t believe I got gas today and drove my kid to school and took two of my kids on a spontaneous trip to their grandparents. It’s been 13 years since I could just jump in the car and go visit family. And the thought of taking both kids out in public is getting easier. 

The gray tabby cat that’s been visiting us didn’t come by today. I’m sad. I know he probably has a family but I keep secretly hoping he was some stray and needed a home. He just showed up out of nowhere, roaming the property like he owns the place. He came right in our apartment on Sunday with 0 trepidation, just waltzed in and threw himself at Axl’s feet, rolling and purring like he’d always been here. He has the best energy and something about him reminds me of you. Even the way he comes and goes, on his own schedule, impossible to predict… he reminds me of you. I’m going to buy some cat food and treats to have around in case he keeps visiting. I hope he does. I really missed not seeing him today. 

It feels like I have too many thoughts and not enough at the same time. I’m guessing that’s the antidepressant. The days go by quickly. I’m productive. I’m not necessarily sad or too preoccupied with my grief. But then the night comes and it’s like all my awareness comes back when I get into bed. I miss you deeply and I start thinking about this entire tragedy and how unfair it is and why this is the way it has to be. During the day I can see all the good in it. I find gratitude so easily. But then at night when I’m just… alone… everything suddenly feels so heavy. So I take a sleeping pill at 8:30pm and go to sleep as soon as Axl does. I could get so much done if I just stayed up and did some work or checked my emails or worked on a hobby… but instead I just lay here and lose myself in my phone and get a little bit stoned and hope I fall asleep soon. I wake up exhausted no matter how early I make myself pass out. Maybe that’s why I make myself write even when I don’t feel like it, it is something that is just for me and means a lot to me and something I’m feeling very called to since you died. I wonder how long it will take me to bite the bullet and actually share any of it.