halloween

I didn’t expect to spend my 33rd Halloween sobbing on my couch.

I don’t know why I’m even still surprised by these weird waves of grief I don’t see coming. They knock me on my ass, they come when my defenses are down, and they toss me about until they’re good and damn ready to spit me out. But being at attention 24/7, always on guard for them to hit, is exhausting. Sometimes I have to actually… live my life. And while I’m doing that, before long I get completely leveled while I’m not looking.

I knew today was my first Halloween without Pete. Obviously. All holidays are a little hard. But these ones as we get closer and closer to the end of all the firsts are hitting me harder and harder. I had to work today, so I couldn’t make it to Axl’s Halloween Parade at school. His very first. Aunt Darri saved the day by driving in for the parade, taking him to McDonalds, and bringing him to her house for trick-or-treating. I got done with work and drove Ford up to meet them. He was cranky and tired and hungry and the thought of hoofing up and down those country roads with their long driveways carrying him or pushing the stroller felt like more than I could handle, so I just let him toddle around the lawn waiting for his brother. We drove home in the dark; Ford cried for most of the ride. Axl cried because his legs hurt from so much walking. And now, finally, both kids are asleep and I’m the one crying.

We close on our house tomorrow. I couldn’t find a sitter, so I’ll sign all the paperwork with Ford strapped to me. Exactly as I signed all the paperwork with Pete years ago. In fact, we closed on our Haverhill house a week and change after Axl’s first birthday, and now here I am 5 years later, closing on a house a week and change after Ford turned one. I’m sure that’s a huge reason why my emotions are running so high. I’m stressed, I’m scared, I’m sad, I’m lonely. I’m tired. 

I had to massage Axl’s shins to get him to fall asleep. As I did it, I stared at the overflowing dishes and the piles of dirty laundry, and I realized Axl was still in his school clothes. The lunch boxes are still in the car and I haven’t looked at my planner in 2 days. I’m always ten steps behind where I need to be. I can’t believe how hard it is raising 2 kids and running a household on my own. And I have reliable family support! Without that I would be truly screwed. I am so, so blessed and have so much going for me. I feel so guilty when I get sad and lonely. I have a whole network of people who would happily offer a shoulder to cry on, so it feels ridiculous that I am sitting here alone on my couch, crying about feeling so lonely and empty.

I’ll never get another hug from Pete. I’ll never have the kind of security and safety that came with his embrace. Tonight, that thought is excruciating. I thought I’d be lamenting about how this was the first year Axl went trick-or-treating without his dad, or that Ford will never get to, and instead I am sitting here sad about hugs. I feel selfish,