finally spring
I didn’t realize how much this season would break my heart. Everyone’s gardening and planting flowers and cutting grass. Grilling. Planning camping trips and lighting bonfires. Doing all your favorite things. It’s my first new season without you. I started winter with you and ended it without you. And last spring I had you. This hurts. Watching Axl start soccer and go to the garden center with darri… I’m glad he’s getting to do these things but I just wish you were here for them too.
It was still snowing two days ago. The kitchen light is blinking. Axl’s airplane hit kiwi right in the butt and made everyone laugh. Axl squishes his candy together to eat in one bite. Both boys sleep with their eyes slightly open and love the outdoors. You are everywhere. But you’re not HERE in the way I want you to be.
This is so not the life I planned and there are so, so many blessings in this version but I wonder if I’ll ever get over having my entire life ripped from beneath me like that. A normal morning in my happy and secure house, getting ready to make pete lunch and coffee and now I’m a single parent in another state, living in a studio apartment with our two kids. Everything is different. And I didn’t consent to any of it. I went from having a partner in life to being completely alone steering this ship.
Except I’m not alone. I have my mom and jim, aunt darri and uncle howie, Anabelle and Alexa, Grammy and papa, barb and Barry, Brooke and Morgan, Angie and Eric, Allyson and amber… and those are just the people I have on a regular basis. Our net of support extends miles and miles in every direction. We are so lucky in that way. But I never needed anyone when I had you. I’m not saying that’s right or healthy, but you were absolutely everything for me and now I’m having to fill those thousands of voids.
And yet you’re still taking care of us. My cupboards are stocked with food you bought us and toilet paper you stocked up on. I have every tool I could need, every manual for everything we own. I have your car and your 401k and the answers to the thousands of questions I’ve asked you in our 13 years. You were my walking encyclopedia. I ate zucchini bread today that Allyson made from your garden zucchini. Thank you for taking care of us so well that the effects are still lasting after nearly 4 months.