another birthday party

When will these days stop taking me by such surprise?

There are big days- holidays, anniversaries, birthdays- you hold your breath and steady yourself for the wave that’s about to crash. You know not to fight it and to just let it thrash you about until it’s done. Maybe it’s the preparation, but those days tend to always be better than I think they’ll be. 

And then there are days like today, when I should’ve known better. I should’ve prepared myself that today would be hard, but it never occurred to me.

I took Axl to a birthday party. A good, fun one! Where the parents of the birthday boy are great and I knew most of the people there! There was cake and swimming and Axl had a great time. And yet I felt like crying the entire time. All the happy, whole families. All the people I wish I could introduce Pete to. All the fathers splashing around in the pool with their kids. Axl got overwhelmed at one point and we missed most of the party as I sat with him in the hallway keeping him company. He fell asleep on the ride home and I found myself once again in those post-fun-event-blues where I can’t help but think about how you should be here. 

I think happy events might make me sad forever.