absorption

Things I could never do, information I could never retain. Suddenly right at my fingertips. I’m becoming a brilliant problem solver, just like you. I’m putting furniture together and building Lego sets and taking care of our kids and our belongings. I bought the WeatherTech gear I know you wanted for the car. I do things the exact way you would, completely unintentionally.

Something I always loved about you was how every task you did had to be done the RIGHT way. I rolled my eyes like a petulant child when you’d ask me to keep the fridge organized a certain way, or when you’d rattle off for the umpteenth time the long list of rules for how to properly care for the kitchen knives. But now that you’re gone it is suddenly so easy for me.

Doing things properly and thoroughly comes naturally in a way it never has. There is a rationale to my thoughts—a clarity—that I’ve never had in my entire life. I am stronger. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I’m a better parent. I am patient and flexible and joyous in a way I could never quite be. But you could. It’s like when you dissolved into the ether, your qualities had to go somewhere. So, so many of them went straight to the boys. But I think maybe I was lucky enough to get quite a bit of you too.

I am damn near fearless. I am anxious but capable. I’m a protector. A fierce mama bear who was used to relying on papa bear to hunt all her kills and build all her dens. But when push came to shove, when this all landed on my shoulders, I haven’t caved under the weight, I’ve simply kept trying to grow stronger.