a bad day

I usually have a pretty easy time staying positive. I get sad, but it’s not hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. All the good we have in our life. 

And sometimes, like today, I feel totally beat down. It feels like I’m staring down the barrel of a life of loneliness and full hands. Like I’ll spend my whole life struggling through this raising of kids and maintaining my house. 

Axl was off school this week and the baby is always home with me, so we’ve all been in this one room apartment together all week. The baby has hardly napped because he’s so distracted by having his brother here. I haven’t showered because by the time the kids are both asleep I don’t have the energy. I’m trying to do laundry, but it’s nearly impossible when I have to take everything over to my mom’s and I can’t leave the kids alone (and don’t have enough hands to take the baby and the laundry with me). I need to grocery shop, but I’m not sure I can handle that with two kids which makes me feel pathetic.

My stress level over the logistics of this upcoming move are becoming insurmountable. As much as I wish I could handle it alone, I can’t do it without help. I need help getting down there, help packing, help knowing what to get rid of, help with the kids. Finding a time that works with everyone’s schedules and skill sets is difficult. I only have 20-something days to pack up my entire life. I still need to get movers. I still don’t know where I’ll even keep everything when it gets here. 

I’m overwhelmed and my patience is at a 0. I don’t feel like momming today. I don’t feel like being strong. I certainly don’t want to face Father’s Day tomorrow. I feel like a petulant child. I want to kick and scream and cry and feel sorry for myself right now. I miss having a second adult around. I miss having a partner. Now my kids and I are like third wheels to everyone else’s families. I’m tired of asking everyone for favors. Pete and I would handle all these hurdles like they were nothing, and instead I’m stuck climbing this mountain alone. I hate it. I miss Pete. 

I’m angry at how much harder life is now. Parenting two kids under 5 was hard enough with two parents, and now I’m doing it alone. 

I spent the day at home with the kids, both bouncing off the walls. It was cold and rainy outside. I did two loads of laundry. I put the baby to bed and gave my mom the baby monitor and took Axl to the grocery store. I came home and put everything away and feel like a failure that I can’t clean out the fridge and wash and cut all the fruit and separate out the chicken into smaller portions like you would’ve. I just don’t have the energy. Axl ate a corn muffin, strawberries and melon for dinner. I haven’t had any dinner yet. I still haven’t showered. I did put on clean clothes to go to the grocery store. I still have to prep all our food for the week, finish the laundry, and sort through all our clothes (the dresser we all share is overflowing and we need to pair down). I need to give the boys baths and bathe myself at some point. I have to catch up on work before my call with my boss on Monday morning. I don’t know how I’m going to get it all done. I don’t know why it always feels like I’m drowning even though I’m always doing something. I’m learning to let go of a lot of my expectations, but even with the bar for myself set so low, it still feels impossible to get everything done. 

And tomorrow is f*cking Father’s Day which makes me want to puke. I want to honor you and I want to do something special and I also want to pretend the day doesn’t even exist. But you don’t deserve that and neither do our boys. “Our” boys. They’ll always be our boys, even if you aren’t here. 

God I wish you were here.